Do you remember my post last month on forgiveness? It seems so coincidental that shortly after writing that, everyone in those dreams, on that island, in that beautiful home, sprang up out of the woodwork and offered me the opportunity to forgive. My friend blames it on the warm weather. Warm weather or Universal Powers that Be, I accept the assignments as they come, but struggle with guidelines and boundaries.
A friend just returned from Disney World earlier this week. She was telling me about jets that wrote out the words, “JESUS FORGIVES” across the sky above Disney for all of them to see (it was Gay Days at Disney, I guess the pilots wanted the gay people to know that gays and their supporters are forgiven for riding amusement rides and taking pictures with a giant mouse?). I thought about that, Jesus forgiving, and wondered exactly how He goes about it? If you want Him to forgive you, do you first have to own up for what you’ve done? What if you don’t even know you’ve done something wrong? Before Jesus waves His hand and says, “Forget it, let’s go out for a drink,” does He require that you acknowledge what an asshole you were, and then make you squirm a little to earn back His trust?
How far does forgiveness go? My brother, for instance, didn’t bother returning my calls and emails or my mother’s calls for over two years. You can imagine how livid I was knowing that he was out there somewhere, while I took on the challenges with my mother alone. He came back as if no time had ever passed, dropped off his cats and explained that he had an undiagnosed phycological fear of phones, emails, voicemails and Facebook. I believed him.
Still questions sneak into my mind like, “Would he have bothered to stop by at all if he had found someone else as gullible as myself to take in these critters?” One of them needs medication twice a day and the cat box smell drives me crazy (smells like petting zoo, even though I scoop daily).
Other encounters with the Forgiven Ones have me punching down little monsters that tell me, “Do you remember that the last time you two spoke, she called you a %#@!?”, but then I’ll quickly take off on a memory, I see their humor, fun times and experiences replayed in my mind and I miss them and I am filled with a sense of happy reunion and peace.
Another part of me wants to spell it out. I want them to know exactly what they did wrong, in the sky, like the jets over Disney, but then I couldn’t figure out what good that would do. It might help me to move forward with an understanding that they know what they did to make me upset, but would that keep them from doing it again? And if they happened to do it again, I would be doubly disappointed because I had taken the time and energy to spell it out to them. At least in the midst of all this forgiveness action, I am comforted with the fact that I know what to expect this time.
If friends are like rivers, they run and detour and part and swell and pool and overflow and dry up and I came to the conclusion that asking a friend or a person to understand her misdoings might be similar to asking a river to understand why it flows; it’s her innate action, way of being and existence. If by experience, you know one river or the other has pirañas or river sharks, then it’s up to you to take note and approach those rivers with caution in the future, but like all rivers, I think we end up in the same place anyway, so you better get used to an occasional nip every now and again.
I’m hoping to know better than to touch the hot pot, and I will attempt to steer clear and use my head, but as I sit here and write with a sleeping cat on my lap, hearing her tiny breath inhale into her tiny triangular nose and I imagine her little cat lungs expanding with the same oxygen that my bigger human lungs expand with as well and, here we are, in the same beautiful house (of the world), on the same beautiful island (of the universe), that we all share, and to be here and to be truly happy, I’m fairly certain that we have to forgive. Even if it smells like petting zoo at times, or you get nipped in the ass by a river shark, it’s all water under the bridge, and the world really is a tiny place, and our lives are too tiny short to harbor anything but a boat that will carry you on down those crazy rivers.
Ahoy Matey!
ClutterHeart 
Forgiveness Exercise
Find a quiet time and place where you won’t be disturbed. Sit in a chair with another chair facing you. Picture the person you want to forgive sitting in that chair. Say out loud or to yourself everything you want to say to the person regarding whatever you are ready to forgive. Let it all out! Then, quietly and patiently allow them to “speak.” You will be amazed at the insights you receive. It will deepen your understanding of their motivations. Finally, say out loud that you forgive their actions and that you will no longer think or speak about the incident(s). And then let it go.
Set high standards for your interactions with others. Do not let anyone treat you poorly. And treat everyone as you want to be treated. Some people will need to leave your life. They don’t belong in your current chapter!
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I did this in the bathtub this morning. I still feel a little iritable, but it’s true, they do say stuff. I might have to have one or two more bathtub conferences, but we’ll get it right eventually, thanks Kathi:)
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Reading your post Anna I often think I must be a “really bad friend” And so what started out as an answer to your question turned into a post for me.
My advice for you is that I live my life through music, through song. And I leave you with this:
“into the Deep” By Adele IT can be found at:
Draw from it what you find your inner strength.
~C.
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Beautiful song, I’m buying this as I write, I’ll play it at our hoop jam, or when you come get the Sara Sark book. Music is the best therapy!! Dancing helps too! And breaking dishes:)
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O-MY lol You really break dishes? Your brother’s cats are going to have a whole new life! Yesterday My mother said my aunt who is a hoarder, who thinks I’m the only one that comes to her house to clean it for my 91 yr old grandpa, Her dad, my dad’s dad, the other siblings of theirs, And My mom Said two things:
She doesn’t know ROBERT! (My brother)
And Also that I am alot like my sister in law, that I can’t just throw stuff away and leave it, I have to organize it, I have to label it lol, I can’t help myself. And It’s true to a certain degree, I have some what of an organized mess lol, but not hoarding, And I don’t think I’d ever break a dish lol. I’d rather crank out the tunes to my Ipod and walk it off. lol
SO I GUESS i’m not getting your old dishes from Good Will! lol
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Really I was referring to the video you posted, but yes, I’ve been known to break a few now and again, and it feels great. I just throw them under the sink and they smash wonderfully. I’m not proud of my temper, but it’s far a few that I smash something. I smashed my mom’s collection of porcilin mama baby birds growing up, one by one. Every time I got mad at her, I went and smashed another. For this, I feel guitly.
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I loved your analogy of friends and rivers. It speaks of dependability and stability. . . .which friends and rivers often lack. I’m trying to learn how to accept the constant change. Sometimes their goodness overflows their banks, but sometimes they are so unpredictable that you just need to put space between the two of you. Gotta protect yourself.
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Hey thanks Colleen. I like your additions to the analogy.
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Anna~
I wanted to let you know that since you and I have the “Too Nice Gene” where we let ppl, maybe esp family run us over…. Uggh… SO you ended up with his cats And I ended up with his cats when he moved out to get married in 09!
The litter box thing goes like this: You need 2 boxes per your 2 cats (If you are able to go on vacation–Some cats allow this without you there (for mine, I need someone to feed them ect) You would put out a 3rd box so that they have their choice of the “cleanest box” lol
I don’t know what kind of Litter you are using: BUT IF all you have right now is non clumping or the cheaper clumping I would Suggest Purina Brand Tidy Cats Litter box Deodorizer for multple cats It comes in a 20 oz shaker can and lasts for a couple of months, after you clean the boxes’ wet litter, You sprinkle in some of the deodorizer, I get mine either at Pickn’ save on 70th and State or Kmart on the TOP shelf at the end of the PET aisle, on burleigh and mayfair road.
I also recently got Multiple cat Dust free (almost) I have asthma, from Tidy cats for multiple cats it’s got a Spring green top, also comes in a larger 30 lb bucket. It was doing a better job than the stuff from Fleet farm in German town!
THIS SHOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY and LESS FEELING LIKE YOU ARE Living in a PETTING ZOO! LOL
I hope Jesse Never gave you that impression! lol
Ok Yeah and I didn’t watch the video from the song link I sent you, Suppose that would have been good huh? LOL
~ C
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I struggle with forgiveness – but it’s more about the fact that I DON’T believe that everyone deserves forgiveness. I feel that my process has been to forgive myself for spending time dealing with the pain that person has placed on me.
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I’m the same to some degree. Some of these Forgiven Ones really got the best of me, and it’s taking some time for me to process the forgiveness, but I know I have to face it someday, somehow. That does not mean that I will forget what they’ve done, I just don’t want to spend any more time accumulating bad energy at the sight or sound of them. You know? They are who they are, and I can’t change that. I’d wrather laugh and acknowledge their characteristics than shudder.
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