Springtime took a turn, and I wear my sunburn underneath long sleeves, pants and sweater and wool socks.
The wind is so strong and tosses the new leaves and branches, that move like water through the air and the pear blossoms have blown away. Old windows jiggle against the payne, and every now and then through the night, I wake up startled to what sounds like the house collapsing, or the roof coming off. I pretend I’m sleeping on a ship that’s sailing through the sea to get myself to fall back asleep again. Bill and I have always wanted to do that, go on a Maritime voyage. I hope we do it soon, the older I get, it seems the more fearful I become.
Emerson came through here in a haze. For a moment I caught an angle of him, and I couldn’t recognize him as my brother. I began to wonder if he was someone just posing as my brother, and for a second I thought, who’s this thug sitting on my couch?
He was very matter of fact, observing that I did something different with my hair. My heart ached a little. I’m exaggerating. My heart ached a lot.
“It’s not like I’m dying,” he said.
In the meantime, I feel a little like I live with zombies. They vomit and poo in the corners. They sneak up behind, they sneak up in front, they scratch on the doors, one even turned the doorknob? They run off to places and jump onto places they’re not supposed to. They stare.
I pick one up. She clings to my chest, gets comfortable and purrs. They love to be loved. Do they miss him? They run to the door whenever either of us returns. Were they hoping it was him? They’re waiting patiently, on the couch. I hope he comes back for them like he said he would. My therapist said it’s o.k. to be hopeful, just not to the point where if things don’t work out the way they should, that I become hurt.
Anna I’m a firm believer that animals don’t forget the ppl who have touched their lives. I just talked to my Ex last night because I want to go Zip lining (yeah maybe not the smartest thing with everything I’ve dealt with, but I don’t want ppl telling me I can’t”) And So I txted my ex of 7 years ago because He is the only one that Jesse trusts, more than me, so I could leave jesse on the ground with him and take my “RISK” of Flying lol. I love to fly. But as far as brothers go, my brother scared every guy away until he got married, and now he’s not around to do it! And I’m ok that most of the time I don’t talk to or hear from him, but I feel unjust in a way that He leaves me with our mother and her “Ostrich with it’s head stuck in the sand” more often than not. It’s my job to keep her on track without feeling like I’m falling off track myself!
I hardly think of you as someone who’s scared… You have been an instrumental inspiration to me, not just in blogging, but in exposing my core to others one step at a time. I think You deserve to know that! And I’ll be showing up at your door one of these days to hoop! lol
Thanks Casey, you’re awesome. I’m excited for your zip line adventure. Where will you do it? I’d like to join you. That’s so nice your ex is willing to help you with Jesse. You’ll have to get let me know what songs you like to hoop to so I can put them on my ipod for when we hoop. I’m a chicken. Most times it’s due to lack of vitamin B, go figure.