On the morning of my birthday, I woke up to sunshine, put on a sweater and made tea. Bill was still sleeping, so I crept quietly around. I was excited to see my presents sitting on his desk, wrapped. I wanted to wake him up so he could give them to me, but decided not to. I even considered for just a moment ripping them open without him, but realized immediately the irrationality and selfishness of that and went to sit alone with my tea.
In the fruit bowl, I spotted my breakfast. Pistachios. I opened the bag and one by one, I shelled and I ate and I imagined that with each shell I broke open to the fleshy yum green bite, that I forgave ‘them’. I imagined that I forgave ‘all of them’.
The challenge would be in actually doing it.
With the onslaught of recent back pain, I became aware of the fact that I must be carrying too heavy of a load. I prayed for guidance to come to me in my dreams, and tell me, if anything, what to do to move forward, to progress, to grow, to become one year older and one year wiser. I received three dreams and I am thankful.
In the first dream, I dreamt I was on top of a mountain, overlooking the sea. A beautiful home was open to me, and I stepped inside, only to realize, it was ‘them’ who owned the house, and ‘they’ shared it with ‘all of them’. I would have to forgive ‘them’ if I wanted to stay.
I looked at the sun over the water and tried to console myself into leaving. I childishly assured myself that the sun doesn’t always shine over their beautiful sea, and that certainly storms must rumble in to throw the water high enough to reach the house and that anyway, night never fails to come to block out the sun and keeps them from admiring their sea, for at least some of the time.
I woke up distressed, but happy to find it was only a dream.
In the second dream, I dreamt that I was on a beautiful tropical island, far away from the cares of the world. It was paradise, but then I realized that ‘they’ lived on the island with ‘all of them’, and I became so upset, that I woke myself up with the sound of my own screams.
I wiped the slobber from my cheeks, and thought about the dream, and in doing so, I found myself asleep and dreaming again, and in this last dream, I was reminded of ho’oponopono, and how I haven’t practiced that in a long time. The blue color that represented its’ power was presented to me in a crystal, and when I remembered the words, “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you”, the blue of the crystal transformed into opalescent colors that danced around in joy and ‘they’ were my friends again and all was good in the world.
I woke up with a clear understanding that I need to forgive and it’s essential that I do so.
I checked my email. An opportunity awaited in my inbox. Prospective buyers named the meeting spot, a spot I have avoided since ‘they’ accused me of shoplifting there. Right in front of everyone I was asked to empty my pockets and purse. I did so and proved them wrong. ‘They’ never said they were sorry. ‘They’ scolded me and told me I should know better than to put my hands in my pockets while I shop (I was reaching for my grocery list). I swore I would never return to that place and I never did, except for once, but only made it into the entrance way, where panic sent me into a dizzy spell, and so I immediately left.
Usually, when it’s suggested that we go to this spot, I request that we meet in a different one and explain why. People are generally sympathetic and understanding to my plea.
This time, I didn’t. It’s been almost nine years since I’ve emptied my pockets and purse there, and watched tampons, change and gum wrappers roll out and around the stainless steel surface of the check-out counter.
Tomorrow, I will go and I will visualize blue. I hope to see it dance with opalescent rainbows as I let go and empty my emotional pockets and purse of the misunderstandings and the hurt and the anger, watch them roll off and transform into monarch butterflies and fly to Mexico. I’ll move forward with a lighter load, and hopefully, the sale I need to fund my summer’s conquests.
What do you carry in your pockets?