I think birthdays are magical.
**Candles, cake and permission to be self-centered and demanding.
As I complete another revolution around the sun and emerge into a new year, I’m taking the time to prepare, clean, organize, develop new habits and make resolutions.
I don’t feel 35. Last week, someone mistook me for being 12 and the last time I boarded a plane, before I walked through the metal detector, the security guard bent down, put his hands on his knees and asked me in a sing-song way, “Are you here with your mommy and daddy?” I was too tired to be very amused, but too amused to be insulted, and I politely answered and returned his question with, “No I’m not, are you?”
People try to comfort me by saying, “You are lucky! When you’re 50, people will think your 30.” I’m not convinced it will work that way. It’s one thing when people mistake me for being 25, even 17, but 12? That’s a little much.
Most movies and stories depict persons my age at the peak of their lives. Children, houses and careers surround them. I don’t have that. I’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that maybe, that’s not what life has in store for me.
Sometimes, I’ll be at a 35 year old friend’s house, and it’s so “grown up” in there that I keep expecting their mom or dad to come around the corner to greet us and ask us how school was. I have to snap out of that mode and remember, we’re the grown-ups here, no other grown-ups but us.
I was digging through one of my old journals and found an entry that I wrote almost 10 years ago to date. I had just turned 25. I thought it was amusing, so I wanted to share:
I don’t know much, but this is what I do know from a quarter of a century I’ve spent with all of you.
1.) Sunsets are pink because of the pollution.
2.) Soft blades of grass can break through concrete.
3.) It’s not better to have loved and lost than never to loved at all.
4.) What is important to most is not really that important.
5.) Humans by nature are manipulative.
6.) Sea coral can live and grow inside of a human body for up to a year.
7.) Spring comes just when you think you can’t take it any longer.
8.) Chocolate brownies taste better when you’re stoned.
9.) Most people are alone in this overpopulated world.
10.) Humans are complicated and like to complicate everything.
I had just come out of a relationship when I wrote this. The only escape from the pain was in sleeping. My friend Nicole took me out for my birthday that year, and the whole time I just wanted to go home and sleep.
I remember so vividly breaking the news to my mom. She had just come home with extensions in her hair and looked like an Asian Whoopi Goldberg. I smoldered the humor of her new hair-do with my sobs.
She seemed just as shocked and helpless as I was. The wedding had already been planned, the dress hung in the closet, the tickets and visas secured.
She wanted to fix it. She suggested that there might be a chance that we would make up. She held me like a baby in her arms as I cried and her cornrow extensions fell against my shoulders and back.
How old/young do you feel?